i feel caught betwixt in time, caught between two possible futures, the resolution of which will most likely not be soon in coming. each day I ask myself, is this what you want? more than just a whim, or a dream?
is it truly what is important to you?

the answer to these, however many times I answer yes, is merely temporary for the moment. part of me wants to just do it, get it over with, throw caution to the wind - but the rest of me feels that, however strongly I feel, I need to do things the right way.

I think one of the realizations I have growing older is that its quite possible that I may need to make a decision that will hurt someone I love. Not to hurt them, but to be true to myself. Its not like I haven't hurt people I love before, with the decisions I've made - but this is much more deliberate. And requires - not lying - but going around feeling, this may be temporary, and that means it may end, and endings can hurt.

"to thine own self be true, and then as follows, as day the night, thou can'st not be false to any man"... or somesuch.

Theres a sense of being, in a sense, removed from the situation already. In a way, I feel it gives me perspective on things that I wouldn't have otherwise. Je ne sais pas.

At times, I almost feel like I'm a stranger thats been transplanted into this body, with this self, with these memories - but its like I experienced this paradigm shift. I think I was waiting for it to hit, but I didn't expect ... I didn't know what to expect. I don't think I even tried to expect though, to be honest, I think I merely believed it would come when it would.

It's almost like an awakening, of something that lay dormant. I like this feeling. Part of me - a cynical, or practical part - knows that, even should I change my mind, this phase is important, because I'm growing. Moving away from living off the fat of the land, and back into battle, with more of a sense of self. As well as more of a purpose.

It is, in the end, about going after the things that matter to me, the things that I value - rather than what is valued by the world. Or the path that someone else wants me to take. And there are oh so many risks - bubbles that may burst, gold that may turn out to be pyrite, misunderstandings and misaprehensions and following a cloud until it rains - and there is the old fear of believing in my heart.

But there is also hope, and reason, and good reasons. I want to believe - though I may be justifying it to myself- that there are good reasons apart from everything that could effervesce. That so much of it is believing in myself. That as much as there may be to lose, even at the worst point I could be as good as I am now - and, apart from all the reasoning, I also have faith.

But, to make sure it is worth it, it will be something I have to fight for - and should be all the sweeter for it. It is a reason for living, in a way - one more clear than the everyday normal survival. It is an end goal to keep my eyes on, and remind that so much is petty, not worth fighting unless it contributes to the end goal.

In the end, I suppose its like climbing a mountain. And at the moment, I'm barely starting out from base camp. but I can see the trail, and the mile markers, and I know where I'm headed.

May God's will be done.